GG’s Infallible Advice #1

There are certain gems of advice that I have conjured and immediately deemed infallible, not necessarily by means of following that advice myself, but through logical dissection or the flip of a coin. Nay, most of Grouchy Gnome’s Infallible Advice has not even been attempted by me, either due to a want of exigency or audacity. Nevertheless, I do have advice that I feel is as near infallible as the next guy’s, and I will gift you with it on these very pages. This is by no means a recommendation to exercise my advice, but it should give a few of you a laugh or even a greater sense of clarity.

The first advice I will give you has to do with relationships. I’m sure we have all been in a situation in which a girl–a mutual friend, perhaps–is accessible to you, but you are unsure whether you should pursue a relationship with said female (or male, if you are female or of an alternative lifestyle, but then I would generally recommend you either say “let’s go out” or “let’s have sex,” depending on your goals, if you are in pursuit of the male gender, as we are but simple creatures and favor candor). In such a situation, it might be best for relationship-seeking individuals unlike myself to employ the GG Method of Relationship Pursuit.

First, I inquire the following: “Is it within the confines of realistic expectations for me to pursue a relationship with you beyond the limitations of mere friendship?”

If the answer is a blank stare or any other obvious deficiency of understanding such as “what?” *cocks head*, I enact an immediate mental cease and desist order as to the pursuit of any sort of long-term relationship with that woman. I, and I assume anyone astute enough to read and fully comprehend this blog, like my significant others intelligent. I do, naturally, follow-up with: “It means ‘do you want to just be friends or should I try to get into your pants?’” After all, lack of intelligence does not dictate a lack of pulchritude or willingness to have sex.

“But Grouchy Gnome,” you ask, “what if she says she just wants to be friends?” To that simple question I have a needlessly complex answer. If she states that in the former case–that is, she understands your initial query but denies you–mark it as both a loss and continued preservation of your sanity (or lack thereof, as it were). If she replies with that statement in the latter example–that is, she did not understand your initial query, but further defies your bold suggestion–do not mark it as a loss, but as a stalemate in your likely stagnant sex life.

There you have it. If that doesn’t work, it is unfortunate, but I am convinced of the infallible nature of this advice. Please be sure to let me know if you heed this advice and it, by the good fortune of the fates, actually works.