The Dawn of a Glitchless Game
In response to a very short-winded post over at Broken Toys, I decided to dig up a post I made before I was a game developer, way back when Nerfbat wasn’t really a blog. You can see the article in its original form on Archive.org, but I’ll go ahead and copy it here below the fold because at some point that will no longer exist. Some of you surely aren’t familiar with the ultimate piece of vaporware, Dawn, so this won’t even be amusing to you. Sorry.
Note: I wrote this as a fake post from a Glitchless team member.
GLTeamRep:
As some of you may know, Dawn uses a revolutionary system for dealing with time.
In order to convert time from current to Dawn, follow these simple steps:
Take 4y * 1/8n (currentTime/1mk) . Proceed with
17j - |ymC| * A7g
For variables = rand/time - jagged loop
For example, as it is currently 11:34 Mountain time,
it is currently 16:08:45:70:56.6 Dawn timeDawn has seconds, eternal loops, and jagged timestamps.
Furthermore, we would like to point out that conventional computers cannot handle the demands that come with running Dawn.
Thus, Dawn will come with a free computer. This computer will be configured to run Dawn and other Glitchless software only.
Our code doesn’t convert to assembly and also doesn’t respond to simple binary.
This free computer, codenamed GL3, will run with a revolutionary system of coding.
A series of switches will be accessed via the input of “5″s and “2″s rather than 0s and 1s.
These “5″s and “2″s will be accompanied by “7″s and will signal: “Yes”, “No”, and “Maybe”.
The processor is created with a bicarbonate poly-resin suitable for temperatures ranged from -150F to +500F
As you can see, our ideas and abilities are both revolutionary and insightful. We not only promise you that you will see all of this within the year, but it will be well beyond your expectations. Glitchless is the lord, as you will realize in the near future.
Disclaimer: This was not written by anyone even slightly involved with Glitchless or the Dawn project. It is merely meant to be used for entertainment value.
I will endlessly taunt and poke fun at Glitchless for conceptualizing a game that cannot be done, especially in the basements of their mothers (who I may point out, are likely to have suffered from early teen pregnancy, and as a result, have created offspring which cannot realize the truths in reality).
Do not take this literally, for I am merely an asshole who gets thrills by making fun of those less fortunate than himself. This includes those who are dumber, stupider, less smart, and more mentally slow than himself.
The author accepts no responsibilities whatsoever that come with “defamation of character” or any other legal jargon you can come up with, because this is clearly a joke.
Entertainment means entertainment, and that is that. Any repugnant rants that are to follow ALSO lay no claim to any justification of truth and will not legally bind the creator to backup his work.
I did not write this, it was just someone who looks, acts, and is exactly like me in all respects.
Do not take offense in this, for I hate all equally and bash all those deserving of my detest.
You know what? Just read the Disclaimer
It was one of the first MMOs with the designed-in capability to get raped, get pregnant, miscarry and launch your fetus from a catapult. Even today, modern MMO design still doesn’t dare to do what Dawn did every day. Full digging system (as long as you only wanted to dig straight down). Perma-death. Huge wars and battles (with permadeath). The ability to slip into someone’s home while they are sleeping and assassinate them.
Groundbreaking stuff.
And… vaporware? Really? The innovative Dawn(c)(tm) technology was used to make a HIGHLY successful browser-based game.
Sheesh.
http://wiki.onlinegamers.org/index.php?title=Image:Fetapult.jpg
I’m checking out the browser game now. I just rolled a Dark Elf Alcoholic. Why do I always give in to FOTM classes?
Reading through their site I kept thinking I would see Derek Smart somehow involved.
Then again, he actually brought his game to market.
Congrats in coming in second in a one horse race.
“It was one of the first MMOs with the designed-in capability to get raped, get pregnant, miscarry and launch your fetus from a catapult. Even today, modern MMO design still doesn’t dare to do what Dawn did every day.”
That’s because what Dawn did every day was idiotic.
“Full digging system (as long as you only wanted to dig straight down).”
Be fair, they didn’t say you could only dig straight down, they said you could only dig vertically. The infinite possibilities inherent in digging upwards might also be yours to explore. Even today’s so called ‘next gen’ MMOs can’t manage to implement features like that.
The FAQ for Dawn is truly one of the greatest acid trips in the history of gaming.
[...] their first (I believe) MMO: Nodiatis. It’s not the ground-breaking Dawn that that people refused to believe in back in 2000. But after 8 years, they have proven the doubters wrong with what is certainly an [...]
Glitchless is full of fail. Not just the games, but the people making them, as shown by RWK. Nothing like Glitchless trying to make an even playing field for all no matter what your investment and then banning you for criticizing its massive amounts of fail… and then undoing the updates because they didn’t work. Another good example is when more updates were being criticized on the forums(because Jeff obviously has no clue how his games work), to which Glitchless said that they didn’t like the tone of the conversation… and then within half a dozen posts is cussing players and calling them stupid. Way to be a power hungry hypocrite yet again. And when I say no clue how his games work, I’m talking from every standpoint except the raw coding… players even have to clarify the rules for him.
“But let’s assume that the nay-sayers are wrong — lets assume that Dawn really is on its way to a software retailer near you. Lets assume that Dawn’s everything Glitchless has claimed. Let’s see. . . no PK restrictions, permanent death. . . hmmmm. . . . Anyone here remember a game called Ultima Online? When UO first started, there were no PK restrictions whatsoever. MUD Guru Raph Koster insisted that the players would be able to police their own ranks. What followed was a killathon of such huge proportions that the game was basically unplayable. The assholes and cyber-sociopaths came out in droves and basically destroyed what could have been one of the greatest venues for computer role-play ever. Two years and a PK switch later, UO is still struggling to recover from its reputation as a slaughter house for newbies. “